Data Safety Flowchart for the Digital Age
Description
A simple flowchart diagram with a white background and black text and shapes, titled 'Is my data safe? A flowchart'. The chart begins with an oval 'START' node. The first decision diamond asks, 'Is it stored electronically?'. The 'NO' path leads to a rounded rectangle labeled 'Maybe', suggesting uncertainty even for physical data. The 'YES' path leads to a second decision diamond that asks, 'Is it stored online?'. The 'NO' path from this diamond points to a rounded rectangle labeled 'Probably not', indicating that offline electronic storage is still insecure. The 'YES' path, for data stored online, points ominously to a final rounded rectangle simply labeled 'No'. The humor lies in its cynical and absolutist take on data security, implying that any data stored electronically, especially online, is inherently unsafe. This resonates with senior engineers who understand the vast and complex attack surfaces of modern systems, making true data safety an almost unattainable ideal
Comments
8Comment deleted
This flowchart is missing the final step for data stored online: an arrow pointing from 'No' to a box that says 'And it's now part of a training set for an AI you'll have to debug later.'
For the next SOC 2 audit I’m just submitting this flowchart - if they want a “Yes” branch they can budget for a quantum-proof, air-gapped papyrus cluster
The only difference between "Probably not" and "No" is whether the attacker needs physical access or just a bored teenager with Shodan
The flowchart is missing one branch: 'Is it in a backup?' - YES leads to 'No, but at least there are two copies for the attackers.'
This flowchart perfectly captures the modern security engineer's worldview: if your data exists in any digital form, it's not a question of *if* it will be compromised, but *when*. The only truly safe data is the data that was never created - or perhaps etched on stone tablets and buried in a Faraday cage at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. Even then, someone will probably find a zero-day exploit for erosion
Enterprise threat model in one diagram: unless it’s air-gapped and in a locked filing cabinet, assume ‘No’ - every other path is one IAM policy typo away from public
Salt mines beat S3 buckets every time - until the intern's USB washes up on the beach
Data safety flowchart: electronic → there’s a forgotten S3 bucket; online → start drafting the breach notice; offline → someone will email a photo of it anyway