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Parody resume crams blockchain AI buzzwords and outrageous corporate accomplishments
Career HR Post #3878 · source on Telegram

Parody resume crams blockchain AI buzzwords and outrageous corporate accomplishments

Description

The image is a single-page résumé on a white background with black body text and orange section headers. Top left shows the name “Angelina Lee” in large black font with the subtitle “Software Engineer” in orange beneath it. Top right lists contact details: “415-812-3329”, “[email protected]”, and “angelinathedev.netlify.app.” Skills section reads: “Experienced software engineer with a background of building scalable systems in the fintech, health, and adult entertainment industries. Expert in JavaScript, TypeScript, Node.js, React AI, Mia Khalifa, C++.” Experience section contains four tongue-in-cheek entries: 1) “Instagram / Senior Full Stack Engineer - Web App Team (October 2018 - PRESENT, Palo Alto, California)” with bullet points: “Built news feed infrastructure using React for AI on BlockChain; Optimized web app feed performance through new server-side; React latency AI algorithm to quickly resolve big data pipeline; Led team of 6 engineers to mine Ethereum on company servers; Team coffee maker - ensured team of 6 was fully caffeinated with Antarctican coffee beans ground to 14 nm particles.” 2) “Zillow / Senior Full Stack Engineer - Web App Team (June 2015 - September 2018, San Francisco, California)” with bullets: “Added AI based GraphQL, resulting in 69% faster page loads; Organized team bonding through company potato sack race resulting in increased team bonding and cohesity; Rebuilt home display page with virtualized tables and map to provide a 420 fps on screen experience; Evangelized and adopted RealLiBlack React UI library.” 3) “LinkedIn / Software Engineer - Search Team (June 2013 - September 2015, San Francisco, California)” with bullets: “Improved LinkedIn search algorithm efficiency and accuracy through the usage of VoldemortDB, Charizard, and Hadoop; Connected with Reid Hoffman on LinkedIn and other colleagues to implement data quality improvements after daily standup; Implemented employee data quality improvements.” 4) “Microsoft / Software Engineer - Edge Team (May 2011 - August 2012, Redmond, Washington)” with bullets: “Reduced page load time by implementing new frame deployment stability of Microsoft Edge browser with new blockchain-orchestrated microservices; Spread Herpes STD to 60 % of intern team.” Education section lists “University of California Berkeley / B.S. in Computer Science (August 2010 - May 2013, Berkeley, California)” and bullets: “Graduated Summa Cum Laude with a 3.94 GPA; Helped Machine Learning at Berkeley Club develop neural nets; Ranked at the top of hackathons by never winning one in night; 2348/2400 SAT score (perfect score on math section).” The entire document is a comedic exaggeration stuffed with buzzwords like AI, blockchain, GraphQL, and improbable achievements, poking fun at résumé inflation and corporate culture in tech

Categories

Career HR CorporateCulture

Common Tags

Career TechHumor DeveloperHumor Hiring IndustrySatire DeveloperSelfDeprecation CareerExpectations

Comments

40
Anonymous ★ Top Pick This résumé is basically a Kafka topic of buzzwords - AI, blockchain, 420 FPS React - partitioned for peak ATS throughput but with exactly-once credibility semantics set to false
  1. Anonymous ★ Top Pick

    This résumé is basically a Kafka topic of buzzwords - AI, blockchain, 420 FPS React - partitioned for peak ATS throughput but with exactly-once credibility semantics set to false

  2. Anonymous

    When you're so desperate to stand out in the ATS system that you optimize your resume with keywords from both PornHub's trending page and npm's most downloaded packages - because at this point, what's the difference between getting screwed by recruiters and getting your dependencies screwed?

  3. Anonymous

    This resume perfectly captures the senior engineer's dilemma: you've seen enough embellished resumes to know that 'optimized performance by 420fps' is about as real as mining Ethereum on company servers, yet somehow 'Led team of 4 engineers' still sounds more plausible than the actual team sizes at most startups. The real red flag isn't the Charizard in the tech stack - it's that after 15+ years, you've absolutely worked with someone who would unironically list 'VoldemortDB' as production-ready technology

  4. Anonymous

    This résumé reads like a distributed trace: flashy spans - React + AI + blockchain, GraphQL “699% faster,” 420fps UI, coffee beans at 14nm - then the root span that explains the whole incident: mined Ethereum on company servers

  5. Anonymous

    Claiming React AI on blockchain with 69% faster pages at 420fps while mining ETH on company servers is the only résumé I’ve seen that tries to beat CAP theorem with a fourth property: Plausible Deniability - fueled by 14‑nm coffee grounds

  6. Anonymous

    Spread Herpes to 60% in test? That's coverage even your flaky integration suite could only dream of - truly infectious metrics

  7. @AeliusMaximus 4y

    рукастая девка, а вернее - головастая

    1. @sylfn 4y

      please use English in this chat

      1. @evgenijj1985 4y

        или что?

        1. @l7KiLL 4y

          ili tobi pizda

          1. @kostya_qwerty123 4y

            wow

        2. @sylfn 4y

          warn once, then ban (according to the rules)

        3. @ashutka 4y

          omly stupid russians are trying to shitpost their stupid opinion

          1. @Stepan_Poznyak 4y

            said Andrey...

            1. @sylfn 4y

              (he is probably Ukrainian)

              1. @Stepan_Poznyak 4y

                Difference?

                1. @sylfn 4y

                  good question

                2. Deleted Account 4y

                  Ukraine has not the best relationship with Russia.

  8. Deleted Account 4y

    Expert in Mia Khalifa?

    1. @boingo00 4y

      Why not

    2. @kitbot256 4y

      that's not the only joke in the text

    3. @QutePoet 4y

      People with interests are always better than no-lifers.

  9. @alhimik45 4y

    You know, I'm something of a expert in Mia Khalifa myself

  10. @kerridwen 4y

    So, i am something of an expert myself

  11. @boingo00 4y

    MiaKhalifa.js

  12. @kerridwen 4y

    *mia_khalifa.jpg*

  13. Ievgen 4y

    Seemed legit. had to use all my powers to overcome banner blindness only then lold

  14. @Daler_XYZ 4y

    ahaha, 420fps, Mia Khalifa

  15. @saidov 4y

    What is the exact record for Phi Beta Phi? I don't need sleep, I need answers!

  16. @saidov 4y

    angelinathedev.netlify.app

    1. Deleted Account 4y

      ffffuuuuuuu

    2. @sfil_sfil 4y

      screaming out loud, crazy rickroll

  17. @Alex_Helion 4y

    I wouldn't be surprised if Mia Khalifa was another JS framework

  18. @RomanRusskikh 4y

    Oh my.. look at the experience! There is a lot of crazy things. Like “spread herpes”

  19. @feskow 4y

    Team caffeinator - that's a title i wanna get

  20. @beenotung 4y

    So much react

  21. Deleted Account 4y

    Microsofters 4 Trump

  22. @ashutka 4y

    there is a difference. I'm not russian which means I'm not sick thief. But you wouldn't understand

  23. @mpolovnev 4y

    Guys, please try opening the link in the header!

  24. @callofvoid0 4y

    what the...? index.mk ?

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