SECURITY POLICY v0.0.0-YOLO
our_security.jpg
[email protected] ~ # cat /dev/null > security.txt
# DEVME.ME ULTRA-INSECURE SECURITY NON-POLICY
$ Last updated: git commit -am "fix security" --no-verify --force && git push origin main --force
Our security model is like a conspiracy theory: complicated, full of holes, and believed only by those who created it.
auth_system.sh --no-security
1. AUTHENTICATION SYSTEM
// Behold, the pinnacle of our authentication system:
function authenticate(user, pass) {
if (user === 'admin' && pass === readFirstLine('passwords.txt').split(': ')[1]) {
return 'Welcome, mighty overlord!';
} else {
return 'Access denied. Don't cry, or I will double click your tears till you stop';
}
}
// Note: Passwords might be case-sensitive
function authenticate(user, pass) {
if (user === 'admin' && pass === readFirstLine('passwords.txt').split(': ')[1]) {
return 'Welcome, mighty overlord!';
} else {
return 'Access denied. Don't cry, or I will double click your tears till you stop';
}
}
// Note: Passwords might be case-sensitive
encryption.sh --algorithm=ROT13-twice
2. DATA PROTECTION STRATEGY
incident_response.py --mode=panic
3. INCIDENT RESPONSE PROTOCOL
CRITICAL SECURITY ALERT: We've detected someone reading this security policy. Initiating countermeasures: adding more fundamental requirements after prod release.
chmod 777 --recursive /
4. ACCESS CONTROL IMPLEMENTATION
compliance_check.sh | grep -i "compliant" | wc -l
5. COMPLIANCE REGIME
nmap -sV -T5 --script=lol-vuln scanme.devme.me
6. PENETRATION TESTING STRATEGY
wallet.json | jq '.privateKey'
7. CRYPTO/BLOCKCHAIN SECURITY
python3 -m torch.hallucinate --model=security-llm
8. AI/ML SECURITY APPROACH
rm -rf /* # Cleaning up evidence
[email protected] ~ # sudo rm -rf --no-preserve-root /
WARNING: UNAUTHORIZED ACCESS PROHIBITED!
This page is monitored by an army of meme-trained AI bots that will permanently ruin your social media algorithm if unauthorized access is detected.
Your home page will be filled with minion memes and LinkedIn motivational posts for eternity. Your Spotify will only play Baby Shark remixes.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER
Void where prohibited. Not available in states of confusion. Side effects include eye-rolling, facepalming, and spontaneous urges to update your CV.
